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How one toothpick could have changed the course of history

Thursday, April 19th, 2012
Just a Damn toothpick. One damn toothpick!

 

Although this may come as a surprise, there is one damming piece of history that could have changed the world. Would this have been a better world? Probably not. But we will make this very easy to follow and understand.

Just a Damn toothpick. One damn toothpick!

Lets rewind to 1258 AD:

In 2012 A.D. there was a noble Swedish family from the province of Östergötland. The family suffered from a history of dental issues. These oral diseases led to weakening of the gum line. When accumulated, this resulted in tooth loss. And on a fateful day in 1022 AD, the lord of Östergötland was chewing on a piece of bad fish and his teeth all just fell out. At the time, Sweden had no breakthrough studies in recreating lost teeth or dentures. Simultaneously, a woodworker in Sandwich, England was finished creating the first wooden denture. By some odd chance, the noble of Östergötland heard about these dentures and left for England. With the end of the 1200′s,  the lord of Östergötland became the first Lord of Sandwich. This would not be necessary had he a toothpick to get that meat out of his teeth before it began to rot.

Fast forward to 1762 AD

the lord of sandwich

This chap changed the world forever.

The fourth earl of sandwich nears the end of his life. Contrary to popular belief, he was not gambling. He was not the young man people often depict him to be either. In fact, he was aged and crippled. So one day, he asked a butler to cut his meat into a tiny slice so he could chew it with his bad teeth. He then ordered the meat to be placed between two bread slices to make it more appealing (raw meat is still tough stuff to swallow). Shortly after another Englishman walked up to the duke and asked him what he was eating. The duke was quite deaf and mistook it for “what is your name?”. He responded “Sandwich. As historically dukes would call themselves by family titles (ie Duke of Glasgow Henry Peppers IX would call himself Glasgow) . Thus the word “sandwich” was born.

a motherfucking sandwich

1762AD-present

Now lets fast forward to 28 June 1914 AD

Right here lads

Right here lads

10 a.m: Muhamed Mehmedbašić A Muslim nationalist and traitor to the crown of KUK , member of the black hand  (the black hand was not a serbian nationalist organization , but rather a terrorist and anarchist organization) was first in line to kill the archduke Francis I Ferdinand Of Austria Hungary. He cowers and escapes with his life.

Nedeljko Čabrinović

Nedeljko Čabrinović

10:14 a.m: Nedeljko Čabrinović the second man in charge throws a bomb at the royal car. He misses , swallows a cyanide capsule, jumps in a 4 inch river and is beaten by Austrian police as the failed suicide attempt leaves him throwing up in a bloody mess. Another bastard failed. As he was being beaten, and throwing up in shame, the royal car fled in panic and changed route. Thus the royal family was safe from harm.

Gavrillo Princip

Gavrillo Princip

11 am: Gavrilo Princip, a young bastard with a career of failures is enjoying none other than a sandwich to commemorate another day gone horribly wrong. The irony here is that this cafe only served sandwiches. Had there been no Nordic noblemen in need of dentures, there would be no sandwich and Princip would not be here at this time. So, Princip kills the great emperor king and his beloved wife. He intentionally starts world war 1!

1917 AD: Germany sends bastard Lenin to Russia to sabotage the Czar’s great armies. (this totally wont bite them in the ass in the future) -The great Russian empire falls- The rise of communism begins .

Lenin

Lenin

 

Lets fast forward to 1918 AD: The triple alliance  is defeated by the allied nations of anti-monarchists. Lands previously inhabited by members of the defeated nations are cut up and distributed as the victors see “adventitious” to them. Monarchy is forever defeated in Europe and will never be seen again. Austria-Hungary and Germany are stripped to their base core lands and imposed with heavy fines that can never be paid off.

This was a fair fight -_-

This was a fair fight -_-

Now we are off to 1929 AD: After the supposed German payoff, and the destruction of the great dynasties of Europe, on October 29th, the stock markets crash. The great depression begins. The great depression results in communist revolutions in south America, the rise of mobs in the U.S. and breakthroughs in modern agricultural technology.

The Great Depression

The Great Depression

Fast forward 1934 AD: Another failure ,like Princip (ready to ruin the world), Adolph Hitler rises to power by gaining support from the poor and drunk. Much like Lenin did. Having been in the great war, he was already suffering from paranoia. Hitler is crowned chancellor of Germany. Remarkably his first couple of years take Germany out of the great depression.

 

Now lets go to 1939 AD: On the first of September, following the Anchluss of Austria (the former greatest empire in the world)  and the seizure of the kingdom of Czechoslovakia, Hitler orders his men to attack Poland. They blindly obey. ( Seriously they do all this over a sandwich)

Lets go off to 1945 AD: The United states (now a greater country because of a simple sandwich) launches a new invention: the atomic bomb. Two of these land on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. This offsets the cold war (yeah we can safely say lord sandwich is the single greatest factor to our world today)

An Atomic Bomb

An Atomic Bomb

  Now, Lets Do this in a timeline fashion:

June 25, 1950AD: Korean war starts and goes on for 3 years.

November 1, 1955AD: Vietnam war starts and lasts 20 years

December 24, 1979AD: Soviet Afghan war begins and lasts 10 years.

December 23, 1991AD: Soviet Union dissolves , this leaves the U.S unopposed.

-We can skip everything from the Yugoslav wars to rebellions in northern Africa and the war on terror because it is all tied in with that one bloody sandwich which was created by some freak accident-

 

Now, the last thing you need to know: When world war III erupts in 2012 or whenever it may, you can safely say:

a toothpick might have saved humanity

 

 

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