News

This section is dedicated to news as well as user-created blogs.

French Gangster Escapes Prison In Burqa

Rédoine Faïd Rédoine Faïd

46-year-old French gangster Rédoine Faïd has escaped prison through the cooperation of a helicopter. Worse yet, the helicopter was unable to be found ...

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Man Dumps Porto Potty In 7-11

A disturbing new breaking story just came out of Florida today. A man, later identified as 41-year-old Damian Simms, was caught throwing feces at cust...

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Bridgewater MA Resident Visited By Raccoon

 A disgruntled Bridgewater visitor notified police at around 9:45 pm of an unlikely visitor. What initially appeared, in the eyes of the visitor,...

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Man Stabbed Over Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

Yu-Gi-Oh Stabbing Yu-Gi-Oh Stabbing

A Stroudsburg, PA man was allegedly stabbed this afternoon over Yu-Gi-Oh cards. In what appears to have been a heinous act of revenge for the victim "...

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Naked Man Breaks Into Home To Eat Chips

Naked Man Breaks Into Home To Eat Chips

An Indianan man woke up early last Friday to a very atrocious site. A naked man wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and some sneakers had broken into his home and was eating his chips. The needy perpetrator, now officially released as 19 year old Andrew Wozniak, apparently broke in hungry and immediately pounced on the unsuspecting chips. The official 911 tapes literally illustrate the homeowner saying “there is a naked man in my kitchen and now he is eating my chips”. Police were told that the homeowner physically pushed the man outside at 3 a.m. that morning. Later, police found the man walking down the street in just his underwear. A breathalyzer was issued and Wozniak failed it (although he insisted he was completely sober). Police immediately arrested Wozniak, charging him with breaking and entering, public drunkenness, disturbing the peace, theft and lewdness. Wozniak was then taken to a...

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Raccoon Rides Alligator

Raccoon Rides Alligator

There are some really cool things that pop up on the internet. Sadly, most of them end up being photo-shopped fakes. Every now and then, something genuinely cool pops up that makes your mind bleed in bliss. Today, we found out that a man took an amazing photo of a raccoon riding his alligator to work. Nobody could ever imagine how this furry mammal managed to tame the dangerous predator. Apparently, the raccoon was off to catch some fish for the wife and kids. Florida is a strange place, as we were told by people living in the direct area, and this is not uncommon. Raccoons have apparently been known to have pet alligators…

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Miracle Cat Resurrected From The Ground

Miracle Cat Resurrected From The Ground

“And the evening and the morning were the fifth day. And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping things, and beasts of the earth after his kind: and it was so.” Genesis 1:23-1:25In a practically biblical chain of events, a Florida cat has been resurrected from the dead five days following its burial.The cat, now 24 months old, had been struck by a vehicle earlier last week. Unfortunately, the owner of the cat found his feline companion drenched in a pool of blood in the middle of the street. The owner was so distraught at the death of his favorite cat that he could not bear to bury it (due to emotional circumstances). As such, the owner kindly asked his neighbor, whom is a construction worker, to bury the cat in his stead.The owner stood a fair distance from the burial as...

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Florida Man Punches Police Officer and Poops Pants

Florida Man Punches Police Officer and Poops Pants

According to local police reports, a middle aged man was pulled over by a police officer for an overdue rental on a van.The police report then states that the man stepped out of the van and punched the police officer in the face. The officer apparently hit the individual back and the man pooped himself (a large defecation was noted on his clear white underwear).Apparently, the individual was only wearing tighty whities and a wifebeater at the time of the assault.The man was arrested and arraigned on resisting arrest and assault. As a follow-up , reports claim the man received 6 months in federal prison.

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Woman Steals 60,000$ Of Legos

Woman Steals 60,000$ Of Legos

An Island Park, New York Woman was arrested early today following a bizarre incident in which 60,000$ of Legos were reported stolen. Apparently, after fierce interrogation, the woman claimed that she had the intent to distribute/sell the Legos on eBay for money.The 53 year old allegedly stuffed over 800 boxes of Legos into a cart and ran out the doors before being blocked by police.53 year old Gloria Haas now faces up to 15 years behind bars. Upon her arrest, it was noted that she requested a box of tissues (probably to QQ).

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"How to Survive the Running of the Bulls" author does not survive the Running of the Bulls

"How to Survive the Running of the Bulls" author does not survive the Running of the Bulls

Bill Hillmann, 33, author and writer of a book called “How to survive the Running of the Bulls” was badly mauled by a large bull during today’s Running of the Bulls event. Ironically, Hillmann’s book specifically targeted surviving a charge and evading a mauling.Hillmann was seen in a user-video being pushed to the side by a large crowd, and subsequently trampled by a large bull. The video also demonstrates one of the bull’s horns penetrating into Hillmann’s right thigh.Hillman was only one of four people injured in the entire Running of the Bulls event this year. The other three men , all locals, suffered lesser injuries during the famous event.Hillman , however, might have issues selling his book after this embarrassing incident.

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12 year old jumps out of 6th story building after watching Spiderman

Boy Kills Himself Over Spiderman 12 year old Aaron Clinton was literally obsessed with Spiderman. Well, today this young boy’s obsession ended up costing him his life. Allegedly, Clinton was watching “The Amazing Spiderman 2” when he decided to (for god knows what reason) jump out of his 6th story apartment window. The boy’s mother claimed that this was the fault of Marvel(the company responsible for the Spiderman series) and has launched a law suit of 50 million dollars just four hours after the boy fell to his death. Unfortunately, it seems the child took Spiderman too far and it cost him his life.

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Florida man kills son over video game

Florida man kills son over video game

A Florida man has allegedly smothered his son to death over an Xbox360 video game! 24 year old Cody Wygant was arrested early today after he smothered his 16 month old son to death because, apparently, the child was disturbing Wygant’s gaming. When police questioned Wygant about why he had committed the heinous act, Wygant stated “he kept on nagging me and would not stop crying”. Wygant then stated “he [the child] was disturbing me while I was playing my Xbox game!” When paramedics arrived on the scene, they found the lifeless boy under some bed covers in his crib. Wygant was arrested, charged with third degree murder and child neglect. Wygant’s daughter was then extracted from the home (located 70 miles north of Tampa). Wygant is being held without bail in a Tampa prison until his hearing scheduled later this month. Cody Wyant smothered his 16 month old son over...

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Man stabbed with Legend of Zelda MasterSword

A Texas man was stabbed today during a dispute with another video gamer. After a few minutes of arguing, one man pulled a Legend of Zelda Mastersword from the ground and lunged at the first man. After thirty seconds of dodging the sword, the victim was finally impaled through the chest. The victim, a resident of the town of Katy, is now in serious condition in the local hospital. The victim stated that early this morning, this man (half naked) came running to his house with some sort of a sword he had pulled from the ground. The victim allegedly yelled at the attacker telling him “get back! , you don’t live here”. But, before the victim could move; he was impaled. The attacker is still at large. Update: The attacker was located wearing nothing but a pair of Hanes ™ tighty whities less than a mile from the scene of...

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Man found alive in a body bag

Man found alive in a body bag

Mississippi funeral home coroners were shocked when they found a man kicking inside a body bag. According to credible reports, the pulse of a 78 year old farmer had been non-existent for well over 6 hours and a family member reported the man dead. The man was taken to a local hospital where he was pronounced “dead”. The dead man was transported to a local funeral home for preparation. However, the man was apparently not dead. The 78 year old man somehow came back to life in the body bag.Family members of the man claim this event was truly a “miracle”. And that “god gave him a second chance”.This event is truly something spectacular.

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Man sticks Eel In Ass

Man sticks Eel In Ass

A man in Southeast China came to a hospital with a very bizarre story. Apparently, the man had watched a porn film in which one person stuck a large eel into another person’s ass.Naturally, the man decided to give it a try. Unfortunately, unlike in the porn, the eel got stuck in this individual’s ass and he had to ask local doctors to extract it.The local doctors could do nothing so the man ended up in a local hospital. The man claimed that the extraction “did not feel good”.

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Man threatened with dildo

Ralph Polnicky , just your average gentleman has been shipped a dildo with the inscription "Ralph is a D___" printed along the side. Now Ralph wants our cooperation to know exactly who sent this device. Man Sent Dangerous Penis This man became so fascinated with the object that , after using it, he reported it to the police. He stated that this is from some manager of a local rope store. Ralph stated that he was certain because he ordered some sort of rope , which never arrived. Things turned bitter between Ralph and the ropeshop owner and the two men sparred verbally. Shortly after, Ralph was excused , and told "never to come back again" Then , weeks later, Ralph received a packet without any information , and lo and behold, inside it housed a dildo. What a wonderful present, and what stunning news!    

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Winged Cats

Winged Cats

In years of research, scientists have never discovered, or been able to show us an example of the concept of "evolution". Now, this is sort of old (forgotten) news, but at the same time, it is still relatively new. I, of course, am talking about winged cats. Winged cats are a phenomenon of "mutation”, which in essence is the core definition of evolution. What appears to happen is that every cat in the world possibly carries a gene for wings. When two cats get together, the chance of their baby inheriting wings is like 0.0001%, roughly the same as winning the powerball. But much like the lucky f#$%^$ that won the powerball, this will happen from time to time. According to science, mutation is intentional by nature, and if it is a "beneficial mutation”, the mutant will live and breed-- passing down that "good" mutated gene (in this case wings). Since...

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The director of "Kony 2012" has been arrested for playing with his junk in public!

Jason Russell ,age 33, has been arrested yesterday for jacking off in public. So much for his pure ways. Yes, he seems like such a fantastic speaker, then he does something like this. What a disappointment. We can all rest assured now that the whole thing could be a scam. After all, why would you need a donation of 30$ for a bracelet? Rest assured world, we will never look at this guy the same way! :D We will continue to update this as Jason goes on trial etc.

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Adult Assaults Child Over Yu-Gi-Oh Card Game

Man Grabs And Slaps Kid Over Yu-Gi-Oh Cards Man Grabs And Slaps Kid Over Yu-Gi-Oh Cards

A 43-year-old North Alabama man is in handcuffs tonight following an incident that took place at a local card shop. According to authorities, the man ...

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Latest Posts

17 May 2019
Breaking News
Entertainment
Our dear friend and sensation Tarder Sauce AKA "Grumpy Cat" has passed away this morning at the age of 7. This came as a  worsening urinary tract infections caused the Internet sensation to be hospitalized. The owners reported that multiple...
08 February 2019
Business
The benefits to employment from home are numerous and exciting to consider. Regardless of whether you are working for yourself or someone else.Being able to do your job from the comforts of your own home can have a lot of benefits. One of the most im...
03 February 2019
Sports
 In a tense game that seemed to go on forever, a stalemate was finally broken in the fourth quarter when the New England Patriots got the first touchdown of the game. That lead would not be overtaken by the Los Angles Rams ever again. To add ins...
19 January 2019
Cthulhu Portal Updates
PhoenixTube
Cthulhu Coffee   Because sometimes the great old ones want to be remembered even when you are having your morning cup of Joe. Image credits go out to Twitter user TP98. Thank you for this illustrious Cthulhu Coffee beverage. This coffee "ex...
13 January 2019
Technology
Breaking News
In the first ever instance of roboticide, a self-driving Tesla found itself to be the culprit of a hit which landed a self-learning robot in a grave. Located in the Paradise Road district of Las Vegas, security images captured a Tesla Model S crushin...

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