News

This section is dedicated to news as well as user-created blogs.

Woman killed by male lion

A 24 year old Californian volunteer at an animal sanctuary was mauled to death by a 550 (British) pound adult male lion. Accordingly this poor n00b victim was in a "lion play area" when the massive kitten pounced on her, causing instant death on impact. The kitten then preceded to devour her slowly. The authorities shot poor CAUS CAUS , who has been stationed at the sanctuary for over 3 years. Regardless of what happened, please don't think ill of the lion, he was just trying to "pat her on the back" , then instinct came in and he pounced. Most likely, she went against her training and screamed, or began to run, at which point much like with dogs , the meow liger began to chase and killed her "accidentally". Scientific evidence reveals that the lion had no intent to devour the woman , but blood was drawn, causing instinct...
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Queen Elizabeth II hospitalized

It has sent shock-waves trough our hearts, the 86 year old monarch of England has been hospitalized in London. According to reports, her majesty appears to have suffered a stomach infection , which at her age, can prove deadly. May her well being be assured by whoever controls destiny, we couldn't bear to lose someone of her importance. Queen of England hospitalized
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Bad idea? US drops poisonous mice on Guam

What are they thinking? Us wildlife conservationists have dropped thousands of poison infested mouse carcasses all around Guam to settle a snake problem.  It sounds very archaic and blatantly stupid because this wont just kill the snakes, even if they are invasive, lots of things will eat the dead mice, subsequently wtf are they thinking? The brown tree snake has decimated local wildlife populations, claim these scientists. But rather than going out and killing the snakes manual, they have decided to poison the entire Island. We dont see anything good coming out of this because snakes smell better than humans, dogs and bears combined. They will sense the poison and ignore the dead mice. Instead, dumber animals such as decomposer will eat these pieces of junk and die. This might be the stupidest thing we have ever heard. uhuh hi there please eat my poison infested body
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The hammer thrower arrested

Darron Lynn Koenig the alleged man that attacked railroad workers by throwing hammers  has been captured. This comes after Darron Lynn Koenig, 51 began throwing hammers at railroad workers, and exposing his penis. When police arrived on the scene, Koenig brandished a knife, threatening to "gut you[the police] like piglets". When the police gave chase, Darron barricaded himself inside of his own tool-shed-- apparently he was some sort of construction worker. Koenig took out a tinderbox, and his penis and began setting a fire inside his shed. Police responded with tear gas and tazed Koenig , then wrestled him naked to the ground until he tapped out for mercy. Koenig was taken downtown, and booked on three counts of assault with a deadly weapon, for throwing that stash of hammers at fellow workers. He was also charged with threatening police officers and resisting arrest. His bond is set at 1/5 of...
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Couple charged with chip and dip assault over a beer

Chips And Dip Assault A Canadian couple will be facing a civil fine for an incident that took place today involving the smashing of a plastic bowl of chip dip over a man's head, who subsequently smashed a plastic bowl of chips over his wife's head. And do you want to know why? Because there was one beer left! That's right, they prepared to slaughter each other over the last beer. No serious injuries have been reported, aside from minor scrapes. -Almost 18 other cases of domestic abuse and disruption have been reported at this house prior to this incident.-
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Man does the unthinkable -tries to replicate Mary Poppins' umbrella-

Mary Poppins Man Mary Poppins Man
Pro aeronautics bro Erik Roner  , being the ultra-pro daredevil dawg that he is, decided to do the most pr0 trick in the book: jump out of a hotair balloon and gently glide down to earth with an umbrella. Well, as you will now see, he would have died had it not been for his parachute:   Morale of the story, don't f***ing jump out of a hot air balloon thinking an umbrella will save you , even if you are a pr0 daredevil dawg pr0.
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Man eaten by sinkhole

om nom nom man eaten by sinkhole Today, a Florida man entered his house for the last time. Jeff Bush , a middle aged man was, according to his brother "simply swallowed by the planet". What appears to be mother nature taking a bite at humanity is truly mournful. Police cannot even confirm the exact location of this man's body. They can't even begin to estimate how deep he has fallen into the earth, and how much more he has to go until he gets "suspended in sediment". Regardless, search teams and excavators will continue to survey and move the sinkhole's superciliously harmless top. We can't imagine how horrible it must be to be eaten by a sinkhole, slowly crushed into submission under the sheer weight of thousands of tons of earth. God keep this poor man safe. Perhaps he might actually be lucky, in a sick way, he might become...
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Weatherman blacks out in weatherchopper on live television

Lol this awesome weatherman gets pwned by gravity! Watch as he blacks out! People faint all the time? The worst thing is the reputation :) You can only imagine how excited he is to get down from there :)
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Holy shit chapo guzman is still alive!

Chapo Guzman The infamous drug lord "el chapo" guzman , yes the guy that had like one thousand shows on his cocaine trafficking operation is still alive. Although reported dead years ago, he did not die. No , no, el chapo went on to move to Guatemala , leaving a look alike behind, as a sacrificial lamb.  looks like the name Chapo Guzman will be back in the news for a while now, he is responsible for so much carnage between his drug cartel and that of the now dead Ramon Arellano Félix. We don't know how to react to this. Maybe we can capture him alive and slap him around. You know, with a meat? Ah yes, anyways, shocking news story, yes, very shocking, yes yes, indeed... Should you be shocked? Well unless you live in Mexico , no , chapo guzman has no beef with you, but all those living...
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FBI to murder the scooter store

You heard it here first people! Those annoying commercials where that guy tells us his life story and about how much better it got with his new mobile chair was working for a company that exploits government funds! Scooter store fraud That's right ladies and gentlemen, although having a stair lifter or motor scooter to get around would be very important, the scooter store actually funds these through the use of Medicare , a federally funded insurance type thing that help the elderly pay for medical expenses. Now this sounds great, except for the fact that since it is government money, they encourage people to exploit it. And how exactly? Or more importantly , why? Well first of all, government money is just in a state of limbo, since a huge amount [of money] is still set aside while Medicare  has not expired, because it was initially created to allow old...
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MIT on lockdown

As of today, MIT , one of the highest ranking schools in all of America will remain on lockdown. And the reason? A man wearing body armor, and carrying a long rifle was spotted walking across campus. Nobody was hurt, and there are very few reports of this suspicious guy going around. MIT lockdown Although it might have been a hoax, the school is advising all personnel to remain withing their enclosures until further notice. Police will continue to take these matters very seriously , due to a large string of school shooting this past year , most famously Sandy Hook Elementary Shooting . Hopefully this is nothing, but we just want you to be aware of what our sources tell us :)
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Kinky Tail dies

Kinky Tail, a male lion whom has been filmed in Africa's vast Serengeti was murdered by a hungry pack of lions. Although Kinky Tail tried his hardest to fight off the attackers, he was literally eaten alive. Kinky tail died protecting those he loved, so we must all remember him. Kinky Tail Murdered Kinky Tail's brother , the beta-male of the pack was also torn to shreds by lions. Today is a very sad day for the lion race :(
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Down syndrome man killed by police

A 27 year old male suffering from Down Syndrome, which is a physical and mental genetic defect, was murdered (judge ruled homicide) by three off duty cops following an incident where he refused to leave a movie theater. Here is the poor victim The three off duty police officers tackled, beat , and probably beat to death this mentally ill man. They claimed "he was kicking and screaming at us". All three of these men will now face termination, and possible criminal charges. Robert Ethan Saylor , the dead guy, was known for his caring heart, and contributions to the local church -his seat today was laid with roses-. And although down syndrome is not associated with violent behavior -since their brains are retarded  to a mindset of a 7 year old child- , even when a guy does turn violent, it is no reason to murder him in cold blood. NOTE:...
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Have grump will travel

Do I really god honestly have to say more. He has grump and he will travel? Honestly do I need to say more? Really? For the love of god? Do I really have to say moar? Huh? Umadbro ? Huh umad? have grump will travel QQ noobs
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California motorist shoots 3-kills self

A California man, apparently mad from god know what shot and murdered a woman. This man , named "Ali" then proceeded to escape his first kill by hijacking a car , sparing one person. Police gaze down following motorist rampage that leaves 3 dead Ali then , apparently, went berserk. He carjacked a retired old man, executing him on sight, and shot and killed 2 other motorists, carjacking and injuring people with his "twelve gage shotgun" for about four hours, until finally, police caught up with him. And what did this "Ali" do? Well, like the madman Chris Dorner  , Ali shot and killed himself. The man has not had a criminal record, but appears to be an abuser or user of drugs. Perhaps he took some drugs, bludgeoned a woman to death, ran out, took a car, took more drugs (probably bath salts) , and killed some people, then killing...
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Man drives through drivethrough naked twice -arrested

Here is the suspect, arrested for lewdness A hudson man stands trial this morning following an incident where he went through a WESTBOROUGH, Ma Dunkin Donuts drive-through , wearing only a leather jacket to hide his manliness. After ordering a coffee, he left without paying. The same man came through again  , this time completely naked. This same guy then sped off , and went to a closed McDonalds, where he began masturbating. Police tackled him out of his car, and indited him on charges of lewdness. He will face the court early this morning, may god have mercy on his soul. Poor sap, just wanted to whip the "d" out in public. Too bad this is 'Murica. He will forever be remembered as "the epic Dunkin Donuts Fapper".  
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Mindy McCready suicide at age 37

Mindy McCready , country singer and star has been found with a single, probably self inflicted, gunshot under the chin. The coroners see this as without a doubt, a suicide. Mindy has had a rough time following the apparent suicide of here husband. Furthermore, she has had a troubled childhood, and suffered various drug addictions. With an unfortunately addictive personality, she has failed to remember that she now leaves two young children without parents. Mindy McCready was actually recently reported to have tried to kidnap one of her children, under the custody of her own mother. It is an unfortunate , and dreary thing, but it happens -_- Mindy McCready suicide at age 37
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Chris Dorner -the final analysis-

When Chris Dorner began killing cops  , we sort of made the mistake of telling you that it could possibly be justified. So now we will give you the honest final analysis. Chris Dorner Lets begin with a bit of history: First, Chris Dorner went to the navy, where he failed to stack up. He was such an awful cadet, that he was booted from the navy. What could have spawned this? We don't really have the exact reason, only that he wasn't "proper for this field of action". Following Dorner's dismissal from the navy,  he lived jobless for about one year, until he decided to go into the only place that would take him ,since he never attended college. Dorner took basic police training, and was probably hired through the military mass hire and education plan, implemented in the 1980's. Now, we hear that Dorner did his job in a...
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Chris Dorner -the final analysis-

When Chris Dorner began killing cops  , we sort of made the mistake of telling you that it could possibly be justified. So now we will give you the honest final analysis. Chris Dorner Lets begin with a bit of history: First, Chris Dorner went to the navy, where he failed to stack up. He was such an awful cadet, that he was booted from the navy. What could have spawned this? We don't really have the exact reason, only that he wasn't "proper for this field of action". Following Dorner's dismissal from the navy,  he lived jobless for about one year, until he decided to go into the only place that would take him ,since he never attended college. Dorner took basic police training, and was probably hired through the military mass hire and education plan, implemented in the 1980's. Now, we hear that Dorner did his job in a...
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Pope Benedict XVI will resign

Pope Benedict , the long time owner of the coveted title "Pope" has decided to step down, he even set the date to February 28t. The reason? Benedict has properly identified his failing health as a hindrance, keeping him from performing his duties properly. Pope Benedict The long time , credible pope has done his duty to the best of his ability. Unfortunately, even the holiest man alive must go through the aging process god has given us :) Call it science if you will, but aging in general just looks like a device to prevent overpopulation -just saying-. Kind of like a "self destruct" command we put on most of our space probes. Enough of that, Benedict will be missed :) Here is a good question , one that probably puzzles us all, "who will be the new crowned prince of the papacy?"
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