News

This section is dedicated to news as well as user-created blogs.

Man stalks ex girlfriend, overpowers policeman, injures three

A man from a Philadelphia ghetto lays dead early today after he had been arrested for "stalking" his ex girlfriend. Upon being cuffed, he broke loose, took the arresting officer's gun, shot (him or her) , then shot two escorting officers. The gunman then made a run for it and was promptly killed in a hail of fire by supporting officers. Today is another sad day for humanity. Stalker injures three officers
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Snow storm begins to pound the east coast

The supposed "deadly" snow storm that left three people dead in the central United States has finally arrived on the eastern coast of the United States. What we can generally expect is an inch of snow and plenty of icy rain. Not to mention, in the morning, there will be plenty of mud to sink your feet into! You can enjoy the horror as a pot or two will fall over due to dangerously high winds. We feel this will be quite the storm *cough* Winter storm 2012
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LA police trade gift cards for guns

Police in California have recently finally done something magnificent! They have taken assertive action by trading people 100$ grocery gift cards for handguns and 200$ ones for automatic weapons. This is all in an attempt to make the world a cleaner place. And as once stated, without incentive, people will be reluctant to give up tradition. We feel this is a step in the proper direction as far as making this country a better place. We would not mind if the government partnered with food stores in an attempt to do the same thing. God bless these efforts! Police officers collect guns from people in exchange for gift cards (c) Reuters
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George Bush SR spends christmas in a hospital.

George Bush SR, now 88 spent this Christmas all alone, confined to his bed. Accordingly, he has quite the fever, in some sort of bizarre illness, he is not doing too well. Doctors say that his condition is "tolerable" ,but there is little doubt that he will remain in that hospital for the duration of this year. Bush SR will remain in an intensive care unit until further notice. Hopefully he gets better soon. George Bush SR ill
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Man kills himself over a website

We hope to Christ this is a rumor, but we heard that a 27 year old man from Pennsylvania used a website called "The Destiny Spinner" and asked it if he should commit suicide. Our website said yes, and he killed himself. If this is a hoax, then you got us! But if this is true, we are deeply regretful of the situation. We ask the family of the diseased to understand that the destiny spinner is just a magic 8 ball. Its not real, you cant say it's our fault. This is almost as stupid as taking a die and saying "if it rolls odd, I'm going to kill myself" and doing it. We apologize, and may  whoever uses our website understand that it is not intended to make the decision of ending your life for you. Again we are deeply regretful that this happened and hope it will never...
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Jack Klugman dies

Jack Klugman, actor and entertainer has died at the age of 90. He was well known and liked. Many would call him "inspirational" and "satirical" . He was best known for playing in the 1970's sitcom "The Odd Couple". Klugman started like most baby boomer era actors, on Broadway. He later became more involved with film acting, and eventually sports commentating. We know that he died with his wife at his side, we don't know if he was murdered. We also know that his funeral will be held later this week. Jack Klugman dies on Christmas
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Indian rape protesters to be hosed

A gang rape involving 24 men and woman who was thrown off a moving bus has caused wide protest throughout new Delhi. New Delhi is now experiencing an influx of rape cases, a 400% increase to be exact. The reported rapes from 1970 were sub par 2500, this has now arisen to well over 20 thousand in the year two thousand and twelve. This is a crazy increase in rapes, or perhaps people are less afraid to actually go out and report them? Well, in this case, the poor woman that was raped by almost 30 men at once, and beaten to unconsciousness is still in intensive care. Her assailants (all 24 of them) were not charged with anything, nor does anyone now their exact names, motives or anything. The Indian government, apparently turned a blind eye to the incident, and the people resulted with protests (which were ironically violent). Unlike...
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We survived the apocalypse

I am proud to announce that on the twenty first date of the month of December, in the two thousand and twelfth year of our lord and savior Jesus Christ, we have not been destroyed by pagan gods. It is my pleasure to confirm that we are all still alive and well, and at the same time ask you all " what is there to look forward to now that the apocalypse is over? " . I guess this means it is now time to get back to our boring office jobs, and to the Christmas shopping. How are the wife and kids anyways? Well? Splendid? We for certain will try to keep you in the Christmas spirit! Our first step was to add some snow to our blog, but that is step one of many! Stay tuned! Forever Alone This Christmas  
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Five hours remain

Well gentlemen, it has been an honor working with you. I remember when the first mushroom spore was created one hundred trillion years ago, wait, no I don't. Anyways, people of earth, we had some good times together. Like the time that one noob was playing minesweeper and said "give me free itams plox" , and the funny looking noob that fell in that pond a few months ago. But alas, we are destined to go together. So, in the name of being pros for life, share this post through social media, it is your destiny to buy stocks in the Cthulhu Portal before the world ends! What should you do on doomsday Honda admits 2012 is real (c) Honda Japan Grumpy cat's last words on doomsday I need moar itams plox I need moar itams plox (halp me)
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Ten hours remain

From what we see, we have ten hours left to determine whether December 21st is the end , or a hoax. Although unlikely, if the world does end, it was nice knowing you all. Furthermore, you can join the Cthulhu portal right here: The Cthulhu Portal and talk on the forums about why the world will or will not end. Blah blah bah blah blah   Goodbye Cruel World  
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Shocking Footage! Child picked up by eagle!

We hope we are the first to report on this, but a family in Montreal, Canada have actually filmed what appeared to be a myth for so long, an eagle attempts to abduct and eat a child. Golden eagle eats child This is freaking epic footage, and had the child not been wearing so many layers of protective clothing (adding much weight), the child would have easily been eaten by the eagle. So the next time someone tells you "eagles eating small children is a myth" , you can show them this footage! Watch the shocking video here: eagle eats child  .
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two million dollars of wii consoles stolen

Men , armed , wearing ski masks have successfully plundered a stash of "wii-u" consoles (7000 confirmed in total) from a warehouse in Seattle. The robbers had literally broken in with "spy-like" tactics, averting systems, liquidating any security system with blowtorches and liquid nitrogen. After watching what remained of the security tapes, all we know is these pro bank robbers made it away with two million dollars worth of wii consoles. We dont know how long they can avert police, but this was done like true pros. It is a sad day for us Nintendo lovers. Stolen wii u
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Adam Lanza

When we initially opened up our investigation into the Connecticut elementary shooting , we identified (article: shooter identified ) the shooter as 24 year old Ryan Lanza.  This , as we now know, is false. He even confirmed it on his facebook here: Ryan Lanza facebook (click to enlarge) The true killer was Ryan's younger brother, Adam Lanza, age twenty. The motive is unknown, what we do know is that his parents were divorced, and he was unable to connect with fellow children, or humans in general. All we know is , he began the day by executing his mother, taking her car to the school where she worked as a kindergarten teacher, shot 26 people, then committed suicide. Here is the real killer: Adam Lanza Killer (click to enlarge)
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True extent of Connecticut shooting

We promised an update, and we have much news to share in regard to the Connecticut shooting . First, the 24 year old man shot his mother fatally in the head prior to his rampage, he executed her, and she worked at the school. The man has been identified as 24 year old Ryan Lanza, a troubled boy with a past which went from petty crime, to drug related assault. The man walked in early this morning, with two loaded glock and sig pistols, and walked door to door, shooting anything in sight. 26 people minus the gunman ave been found dead. 19 were children under the age of 18. The shooter did take his own life, but 26 kills make this the second worst school shooting in all of American history. The man was described as wearing all black, maybe a bulletproof vest, and probably on drugs. We will add...
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Mitt romney is a bank robber

In what appears to be the most bizarre bank robbery in decades, a bank robber wearing a Mitt Romney mask has stolen a few millions in cash from a Wells Fargo bank. After watching the video above, you will notice that he is also wearing a college sweater, and he will probably never get caught, like a pro. Now Mr Romney robber, just don't get too cocky.
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Many people killed in elementary school shooting

We have this coming in live, from medias all over the states. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School, located in Newtown, Connecticut, and opened fire. Children, women , men , everyone shot in a bloody massacre that seems to echo nothing more than appalling sickness from us. Children have been killed, this is a fact, staff have also been killed. Coroners have confirmed many people are dead, many are also critically injured. Amongst the dead is the gunman, for whatever reason, this comes one day after the Oregon Mall shooting . We are worried that there is a pattern starting, and that these mass killers are becoming too frequent in the States. We will keep you updated as this story moves further. Children escorted from massacre
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Senator Robert Menendez's intern sex offender illegal immigrant

Senator Robert Menendez has been dubbed many things today. The prime of it all comes from his intern, apparently a guy with a nasty past. Not only is this guy an illegal immigrant, and therefore can't work for the government, but he is also a registered sex offender. Police officers took this guy in today, and he probably wont be seeing freedom in the USA ever again, deportation is scheduled later this week. Furthermore, we will try to keep you updated on this matter as it progresses, if anything "spicy" like a "master/slave" relationship was present between him and the senator. Robert Menendez  
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Another coward goes on a rampage

Jacob Tyler Roberts, 22, another nutcase in what appears to be a string of gun murders that just don't end. This started with James Holmes   , and there is no sign that the endless wave of idiots will stop. Ok, so this a hole walked into a shopping mall, wearing a hockey mask, and a vest, we cant even confirm that he was wearing pants. Then he shot and killed three innocent people, and ran away, screaming like a madman (as he is). The poor sap then blew his brains out in a bathroom stall. Now you can see, there is something wrong here when nutjobs like this can simply wake up one morning and do this. We don't lament his loss, and may god have mercy on his putrid soul. The killer Jacob Tyler Roberts    
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Wonderful news! 25,000 teddybears thrown on ice!

At a hockey game in Canada, a cheerful crowd gathered, after the home team scored a victory goal, 25 THOUSAND bears were thrown on the rink! 25 THOUSAND! Teddy Bear But rest assured, none were murdered! Instead, all 25,000 teddy bears will be donated to children in need this holiday season! Doesn't that just make your heart melt? Check out the footage right here:
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America has become too sensitive?

We all look to America as the leader in the first world, and yet, some things seem very strange on the global market. One of these that can no longer be ignored is American sensitivity. We are writing this in regards to some young ladies that received a bill that called them "fat girls".  The check is below: Fat Girls Check (click to enlarge) Now, these girls went out of their way to punish poor "Jeff" by taking this to the media. Talk about freaking sensitive! As the story goes, Jeff wrote the names into his computer to keep track of the clients, he did this by appearance, but this time he forgot to undo it before giving them the receipt, we are all mortal, we all do this sometimes. But these women not only informed his manager, whom found it funny ,much like we do. But they also notified the press,...
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