Using cats as medicine
So in 2001, a clinic in Canada had a patient (let's call him Jim). This patient was around 73 or so, and he had a cardiogram done to see his status (because just looking at the heart, you can tell a person's current health status).
The man's heart was abysmal, to the point where 21st century medical experts had to say "sorry Jim, we cant do anything to prevent the inevitable, you have max 2 weeks to live, we would implore you to get your will in good shape, and to say goodbye to all of your loved ones".
4 weeks later...
The doctors call Jim's phone, there is absolutely no answer, they haven't heard from Jim for a month since his last visit. So, just to confirm his fate was met, the doctors called Jim's neighbor, upon asking if he was still around, they were shocked to learn that , yes , he was, and he was on a walk with his dog. The doctor asked Jim's neighbor to have Jim give the doctors a call back.
1 day later...
Jim gives the chaps at the Canadian hospital a call back. The men at the hospital are so shocked, that they ask Jim to make a return to the hospital promptly. When Jim arrives , they ask him a sh#! ton of questions , mainly because the recent cardiogram came back perfect (like 20 year old sober virgin great).
The doctors continued to question the man like a few Chicago police officers going at a defector in the name of Fat Al.
They ask him things like "did you get a girlfriend, son?" "did you get a new house, boy?" "did you pay a stripper, boi?". Jim answered no to everything, including smoking and drinking.
Then Jim began telling them, "well I went home, I wrote the finishing touches on my will, got a puppy (a nice lad but god help him when I die), said goodbye to my living friends, grandchildren and so on.."
A brazen bearded man stopped Jim all of a sudden. "What was that last part, Jim?". Jim looked awfully confused. "The Dog part, son, the DOG PART YOU NO GOOD YELLA SOB!".
GOD MOTHER EFFING D@MN#! MEN! IT'S THE DOG YOU FOOLS! IT'S MAGICAL!
"So, Jim can you please send that dog in for testing tomorrow?". Jim agreed, and his German Shepard was throughly examined. Shockingly, nothing was wrong with the dog, it was just a plain dog.
Jim didn't fail to mention that he slept with the dog side by side at night, NAKED!
So, as an experiment, the doctors decided to take 4 clinically "dying" patients , lets call this the "controlled variant" in their odd experiment. These men were injected with dogs in their room, and they slept naked with the dogs side by side NAKED.
Much to my personal positive shock, 3/4 of those "dying" people went home within the first week, the third survived past the movie filming (six months), I'm not too sure what happened to him afterwards.
This confirms that applying dog naked to human naked can cure heart illness.
Science behind it
Have you ever heard of electrocardiography? This is the measurement of energy production (electricity) produced in a certain organ (the heart). Furthermore, the concept of "pulse" is really just a conversion of this, taking into account the times the heart moves (generated energy to pump) per second.
Taking this simple concept into account we can assume that the heart is like a car battery, because it produces energy, and the brain can be the computer, but that is entirely beside the point.
How does this relate to cats and animals
So you think it's some sort of freak accident that dogs, created to be companions for men by our creator, and definitely not intended to be food when held naked, can cure heart diseases?
It is blatantly obvious that the charge produced by the dog heart and the one produced by the human heart produce some sort of "positive resonance". In a way, our creator (maybe god or aliens) hasn't created dog and cat without purpose.
I have the firmest belief that sleeping naked, side by side with dogs or multiple cats can cure all illness,maybe even cancer.
Now for my friend's mother
Ladies and gentlemen, I have now told you about , and explained to the best of my "concise ability" about the correlation between animals such as dogs and cats and human beings. We cannot dismiss the scientific analysis done by men before me on this matter as "hearsay".
So, in light of this scientific data, the best companion for his mother, in my opinion is a dog. Maybe a few cats can also help, but sleeping next to animals, and no you don't have to be naked, will actually prolong your life, and make your heart healthier than it has been in decades.
My personal theory is much like how oxygen and hydrogen are two separate entities, alone insignificant, together they form the basis for life, water. Likewise hydrogen ( a worthless gas) and sodium ( a worthless mineral also known as table salt), when combined, can form the strongest explosive known to mankind. Perhaps for this very reason, there are too things that we cannot understand yet, such as how animal and human hears can do positive things to each other though electric transfer?
Maybe this means the ancient Japanese monks were right in saying everyone was born with a "spirit animal" as their guide. Maybe being close (-naked-) to your spirit animal ,like a bear or penguin, can place your internal healing system into overdrive, much like one car can jump start a car?
How do I find my spirit animal?
Well, get naked, and start hugging everything. Hug a spider, a cat, a porcupine, an eel, an octopus, an aardwolf, a human, a bobcat, a dog, a lamppost, a fence, just hug and sleep with everything naked.
Let's get serious now
I have a fascinating, innovative idea , but it would need substantial funding. I have a vision, as I was once an aspiring sculptor, for a new type of "alternative" hospital for people suffering terminal illnesses, like cancer, or heart failure.
We should, or rather I should take any donations from you (I don't have any moneys :( ) and begin building a hospital of immense beauty, in European architectural finesse, where people will be treated by hugging and sleeping with animals (they don't have to get naked).
We firmly believe this will be the finest in ultra spiritual medicine, best of all it will work! With the aid of our specially trained cats and dogs, maybe a few hedgehogs and squids, we will heal you all! Please , for the love of god dear readers, If you know any millionaires, maybe this can happen, together we ride , boys!
Please, comment below, or "contact us" , together we can build something glorious! No animals will be harmed, and many people might be saved. We would intend to send the animals home with the patients for "long term care". Please, try to imagine a true miracle! :)
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