How one toothpick could have changed the course of history

Just a Damn toothpick. One damn toothpick!

Although this may come as a surprise, there is one damming piece of history that could have changed the world. Would this have been a better world? Probably not. But we will make this very easy to follow and understand.

 

-Let’s rewind to 1258 A.D.-

In 1012 A.D. there was a noble Swedish family from the province of Östergötland. This notable family suffered from a history of dental issues. These oral diseases led to a weakening of the gum line. When accumulated, this resulted in tooth loss. And on a fateful day in 1022 AD, the lord of Östergötland was chewing on a piece of bad fish. Suddenly, the great lord’s teeth all just fell out. At the time, Sweden had no breakthrough studies in recreating lost teeth or dentures.

 Simultaneously, a woodworker in Sandwich, England was finished creating the first wooden denture. By some odd chance, the noble of Östergötland heard about these dentures and left for England. By the end of the 1200′s, the lord of Östergötland became the first Lord of Sandwich (as did his sons).This would not be necessary had he a toothpick to get that meat out of his teeth before they began to rot.

 

-Fast forward to 1762 A.D.-

 

This chap changed the world forever.

 

 

The fourth Earl of Sandwich nears the end of his life. Contrary to popular belief, he was not gambling. He was not the young man people often depict him to be either. In fact, he was aged and crippled. So one day, he asked a butler to cut his meat into a tiny slice so he could chew it with his bad teeth. The Earl of Sandwich then ordered the meat to be placed between two bread slices to make it more appealing (raw meat is still tough stuff to swallow and bread of that time was not that dry).

 

Shortly after the Earl had begun to eat his concoction, another Englishman walked up to the Earl (aka the duke of Sandwich) and asked him what on earth he was eating. The Duke of Sandwich was quite deaf and mistook it for “what is your name?”. He responded “Sandwich. As historically dukes would call themselves by family titles (ie Duke of Glasgow Henry Peppers IX would call himself Glasgow). Thus the word“sandwich” was born and ever since this would be the word used to describe anything in-between two pieces of bread.

1762 A.D. - Present

 

-Now let’s fast forward to 28 June 1914 A.D-

Right here lads

 

10 a.m. : Muhamed Mehmedbašić a Muslim nationalist , traitor to the crown of K.U.K. , and a member of the black hand  (the black hand was not a Serbian nationalist organization , but rather a terrorist and anarchist organization) was first in line to kill the archduke Francis I Ferdinand Of Austria Hungary. Muhamed, however, cowers before it is time to act and escapes with his life.

Nedeljko Čabrinović

 

10:14 a.m.: Nedeljko Čabrinović the second man in charge throws a bomb at the royal car. He misses , swallows a cyanide capsule, jumps in a 4 inch river and is beaten by Austrian police as the failed suicide attempt leaves him throwing up in a bloody mess. Another criminal failed. As he was being beaten, and throwing up in shame, the royal car fled in panic and changed route. Thus the royal family was safe from harm.

 

Gavrillo Princip

 

11 a.m.: Gavrilo Princip, a young criminal with a career of failures is enjoying none other than a sandwich to commemorate another day gone horribly wrong (as the route of the vehicle he had to attack changed). The irony here is that this cafe only served sandwiches. Had there been no Nordic noblemen in need of dentures, there would be no sandwich and Princip would not be here at this time. So, by chance, Princip intercepts and kills the great emperor king and his beloved wife. This was because the alternate route taken after the first assassination attempt happened to miraculously (and unfortunately) pass by the sandwich shop.Princep therefore intentionally starts World War I!

-The Great War-

By 1917 AD:Germany secretly sends deserter traitor Lenin to Russia to sabotage the Czar’s great armies. (This totally won’t bite them in the ass in the future) This action, spurred by a toothpick and sandwich, causes the Great Russian Empire to fall. At this time, the rise of communism begins -not to mention Fascism, National Socialism (a derivative of Lenninistic/Socialist/Marx concepts) and so on-.

Lenin

 

Let’s fast forward to 1918 A.D.: The triple alliance is defeated by the allied nations of anti-monarchists. Lands previously inhabited by members of the defeated nations are cut up and distributed as the victors see “adventitious” to them. Absolute Monarchy is forever defeated in Europe and will never be seen again. Austria-Hungary and Germany are stripped to their base core lands and imposed with heavy fines that can never be paid off.

This was a fair fight -_-

-Post War-

Now we are off to 1929 A.D.:After the supposed German payoff, and the destruction of the great dynasties of Europe, on October 29th, the stock markets crash. The great depression begins. The great depression results in communist revolutions in South America, the rise of mobs in the U.S. and breakthroughs in modern agricultural technology. Fascism rises in Europe, Argentina and Japan, while Communism surges in Mongolia, Tannu Tuva,Brazil,Cuba and parts of Central (nationalist) China. This polarity of political ideology results in events such as the Spanish and Chinese Civil wars.

The Great Depression

 

Fast forward 1939 A.D.: Another Failure, like Princip (ready to ruin the world), Adolph Hitler rises to power, much like Lenin, by gaining support from the poor and disenfranchised. Having been in the Great War, he was already suffering from paranoia. Hitler is crowned chancellor of Germany. Remarkably his first couple of years take Germany out of the great depression.

-The start of World War II-

Now let’s go to 1939 A.D.:  On the first of September, following the Anschluss of Austria (the former greatest empire in the world) and the seizure of the kingdom of Czechoslovakia, Hitler orders his men to attack Poland. They blindly obey. (seriously they do all this over a toothpick). The attack on Poland begins the greatest war that has ever taken place on earth. Millions will die (civilian and military personnel).

 

Let’s go off to 1945 A.D.: The United States (now a greater country because of a simple sandwich) launches a new invention: the atomic bomb. Two of these land on Nagasaki and Hiroshima. This action offsets the cold war and ends World War II (yeah we can safely say lord sandwich is the single greatest factor to our world today). It is also good to note that this action launched the age of nuclear power (which has changed the world significantly).

 

 

An Atomic Bomb

 

Now, let us do the rest in a timeline fashion!

June 25, 1950 A.D.: Korean war starts and goes on for 3 years.

November 1, 1955 A.D.: Vietnam war starts and lasts 20 years.

December 24, 1979 A.D.: Soviet Afghan war begins and lasts 10 years.

December 23, 1991AD: Soviet Union dissolves , this leaves the U.S unopposed by communist ideology.

 

-We can skip everything from the Yugoslav wars to rebellions in northern Africa and the war on terror because it is all tied in with that one bloody sandwich which was created by some freak accident-

 

You see, had the Duke/Earl of Sandwich had a toothpick, he never would have lost his teeth. Had he not lost his teeth, he never would have invented the sandwich. And if that was the case, this chain reaction that sculpted our modern world would have never happened.

 

Now, the last thing you need to know: When world war III erupts in 2012 or whenever it may, you can safely say:

 

“A single toothpick might have saved humanity“